Originally posted in the spring of 2009,I can't help but think on how the questions I asked in this one have been answered by the events since then.
I will be posting a follow up, a "revisited" of sorts soon.
Here it comes....again......those uncertain weeks when we ask ourselves " is it time yet?" What is this thing that comes to us in early spring? All winter I spend getting excited about things and beginning expressive activities inspired by these excitements. Through the murky November evenings, and the pressing down of January darkness, I work at them. When the mushy ground of February sucks at the soles of my feet, I lose speed. When the Maybe's of March cloud my days, I run out of steam. April's illusion of Sweetness and Peace leave me devoid of the last scrap of momentum, with the exception of the Gardening Urge.
Apologies to REM, as I borrow a bit of an idea.........
That's me in the corner,
That's me in the spot light losing my Ambition,
Trying to see things through,
And I'm not sure if I can do it. Oh no....
I've learned too much,
I haven't learned enough.
Another stab at my education may be shot down by another massive economic recession very like the one that knocked me out of school in the 1970's. How can this be? Could it simply be that Timing is not one of my best played cards? Could it be the Procrastinators Prize for waiting so long to enroll once again and start that journey, ostensibly to 'better' my self, or Upgrade my life as a dear friend once challenged me to do? Well, 'bettered' though I may be, the sad truth is that I am not feeling especially Upgraded. Here, in my senior year ( Yikes! I actually made it that far this time!) I am as broke and nervous about it as I was the week before I enrolled. Perhaps there is a sort of religion in the back of my mind that is centered around achieving that American Dream thing, that false sense of security we foster in ourselves in order to not have to believe in the fact that Nothing In This World is secure. Even now, as I have never believed in the part of my brain that knows better, I am feeling failure creeping around under my window box. I know it's there because every other day, another flower has died from the roots up.
This is not an essay. It is coming out "as is". Take it or leave it folks. As a matter of fact I am doing this today because I have lost the point of finishing what I started 7 years ago. Maybe I'll get past that idea this way, or Maybe not. Maybe if I were beginning, as most students under the age of 21 are, it would feel differently to me. The idea of building a wonderful life around the material I took from college would make more sense then I suppose. The idea of building a wonderful ending makes less sense. The idea that I can't see a way to get the last two or three classes the institution says I need to acquire a sheepskin is like a seed stuck in my dentures. It does not go away, and yet I am forced to keep on chewing the meal set before me as though I am enjoying every bite. The idea that I needed to get food stamps in order to eat during that work is particularly galling to me. The idea that AIG and other Ilk like them are getting bailed out at the same time the Feds are telling me that they won't support my incredibly Under The Radar living expenses for this past school year and maybe one more semester is enough to make me think criminal thoughts.... or revolutionary thoughts....it's all a matter of the readers perspective I guess.
Is it time yet? is it time to finish those 4 papers for class? Is it time to finish that screenplay that keeps staying at page 23? No...it's time to go out and muck about in the garden. Time to lose those thoughts and fears in handfuls of compost, to feed the future with buckets of manure, and not the kind that comes from Washington,D.C. It is warm enough at night now to plant safely down here by the river. Hmmm......the last tomatoes I planted were small,tough and bitter. The news from the Feds, about no more material support, was bad stuff to have on my mind while I tended them. What will grow in my garden this year? What will grow in the garden called America this year? So many are going in together on gardens, even Michelle and the White House Staff. What will they be eating come Autumn? The collective composted thoughts of white collar crime left un-prosecuted? The shortened sleep of families trying to make ends meet, or trying to all sleep in the same cardboard box? The lives of successful students being contorted into fear of a debt too deep to ever satisfy with their labor?
